I'm Studying Abroad!... and it feels... great
For the past few months I've been planning for an opportunity that I applied for called the Fulbright UK Summer Institutes. It has been a very testing experience of self-evaluation and persistence. But I've finally done it. You can read about it below in the rest of this post and in the links.
Article: https://news.illinois.edu/view/6367/656952
As the Fulbright Commission explains on their website at, http://www.fulbright.org.uk/going-to-the-uk/uk-summer-institutes...
"The Fulbright UK Summer Institutes are three-to-four week programmes for US undergraduate students. Participants can explore the culture, heritage and history of the UK while experiencing higher education at a UK university."
My particular program is held at the University of Sussex, and I will be studying British Children's Literature and how it impacts our view of British culture and childhood. This is a topic that really is at the center of my story. As I was growing up, many of my favorite books and movies were or were adapted from British children's lit. For example stories and authors like, Rowling's Harry Potter, Roald Dahl, Whinnie the Pooh- the list goes on and on- have all been one of my great interests and inspirations.
The real drive of my journey to England? This is where self-evaluation and the true form of my thought process comes in. I have to know how I can do it too. I have to know what it is that makes British children's lit so important to me and many countless others- and how I can use that source of childhood in my work.
You see, I came across the opportunity to study abroad through an email sent to me for being a part of my scholars program at the University of Illinois. First, I go to the informational meeting. The room is hidden on the top floor of the school's bookstore. There's at least a dozen or more kids my age there applying for the same opportunity. Then, the meeting starts, and we are reading through the different study options. I see the opportunity to study engineering (nah), global warming (ehh... no offense but... nah), British children's lit... and finally...I HAVE A SPASM in my desk chair. Not a literal spasm, just a "OH MY GOSH THIS IS PERFECT!" spasm. I leave the room after the meeting with the biggest spring in my step. The entire way back home I'm praying "If it's your will Lord! If it's you're will! PLEASE LET THIS BE YOUR WILL! And if it's not... help me to not be disappointed.... But it's perfect Lord!"
And then the application process begins. Although I feel like I'm still a child at heart, I am slowly becoming the "grown-up" I've always dreaded becoming, and so losing my real childish wonder. As I write essays, schedule interviews, plan flights, and arrange passport photos to be taken, I don't feel like I'm venturing out... I feel like I'm processing. I feel like a computer taking in green bars of DLC for the side quest that will give me the XP to level up into adulthood. Just checking boxes. And this is altogether a good thing because I'm analyzing my motives and goals in life. But it sure doesn't feel magical all the time.
Because...
This is quite literally my childhood dream. Years and years of just watching the TV or reading about the land of so many of my favorite sources of entertainment and encouragement.
Thoughts like, "is Doctor Who real? What do I do if I see his blue box on the street? What about Narnia? What if I discover a doorway? Or Hogwarts? ... Nah, I'm a muggle I could never find that," swam in my head like a tonic as a child. I WAS OBSESSED. Putting it lightly, I was a self-proclaimed and proud Anglophile at age 12, (complete with insulting fake accent). This is a dream come true for me.
Going to England is just one of those things that made me excited to grow up. Because I knew growing up meant I could go there and live life like they do in all my favorite stories. Because although the words of my father saying, "One day I'll take you there. I've never been there before, even when I was in the Navy. But it could be our little adventure." sounded like we could go anytime we wanted, I knew deep down that wasn't going to be any time soon.
There's jobs. There's schooling. There's money. There's even other dreams and distractions. And then there's England. A Someday. Like someday I'll own a car, or have kids, or clean my closet. It was just one of those dreams. It was belittled that much by my own self.
Basically, the process I've had with applying for this program was one of the most mature things I've ever done. I had to take a look back on all of that. I had to look back on my internal list of Somedays, and say "here it is, England!... I've always wanted to do that! Lord willin' I just might with this whole Fulbright thinga-magiggy".
And Fulbright asks me... What's my why. It asks me what motivates me to apply here, what do intend to learn, how I can I be a leader, how I can give back, etc. And I think "oh I'm sure there's something I can do or say to fit into this mold". So I start drafting and revising and crying. And I discovered my why is not England, it's not even my passion for art or children's books, but it was quite literally my story- my father, my childhood, my emotions as I read, learned, and soaked up the world I lived in.
My inspiration was that I was blessed with a great supportive family-the fact that I was just lucky to have someone to fill me up with positives that said I was special, beautiful, destined, even if that meant working fast food all my life. It was a battle against the bad thoughts and the good. It was This is it! This is the dream you've always had right in front of you! vs. This is the shallow reason I saw? This is my why? To be some artist or writer? I don't deserve this. I'm just a child anyway.
This annoying application process was putting my dreams on the stand. AND I HATED IT. I hated it because I had to finally take my dreams seriously or it would just never happen. I had to plan each step. And I felt more like a true respectable adult right then. When I followed a childhood dream, despite that it is childish. And then... there's a moment of joy when you realize you actually did it. There's the moment of horror again. I'm actually going to England.
And the horror feels natural, of course. Just nerves. I don't know what planted this germ in me, but here it is. Saying you can do anything you set your mind to.
That pesky damn American dream. How ironic that mine is to visit England.
I want this trip to be a complete expierience of finding that inner child again. Because, to be quite honest, it hasn't even hit me yet. It comes in flashes of horror, but I still can't believe I'm going to England. So when I do finally arrive in Heathrow airport, when I finally land on English soil, no turning back (check that box)- I want to just take everything in and make the most out of every opportunity. I want to just breathe in that sense of "yeah baby! I'm in ENGLAND. I'm on an ADVENTURE! This is going to be AWESOME!" And I'll go and live responsibly writing papers, reading books, making friends, and taking pictures, buying groceries, living life... as you do...But in England.
So, internal drama, italics, and constant begging prayers aside, I am going to England this month. And I feel like an adult because I'm going as a grown-up. And I'll study serious stuff, but stuff I love. And it will be living happily ever after... for four weeks... probably of being homesick.
*mic drop*